Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I got to go out with some amazing women tonight. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and had good food and good conversation. It was fun. I enjoyed it. But there was this underlying feeling of just not fitting in. Anywhere. I don't fit in the conversations about plans. I can't make plans right now. I worry that I am a drag. That I bring everyone down. I miss the days when I could go out with friends and make people laugh, when I didn't feel like I had to try SO HARD to just feel like I had anything to offer to anyone. No one wants to be around the person who is like me right now. I don't want to be around me right now. It's like I have all these emotions swirling around under the surface that are taunting me. I can't seem to figure out how to even be in touch with myself let alone anyone else. I feel like the person who came late to the movie and therefore doesn't know how to catch up on the story.

I am tired already of feeling like the one who needs people, desperately needs people. I try to open up and be honest. I try to allow myself to be vulnerable but then because of so many past hurts, I worry that I made a mistake and then I don't know where to turn to find any sort of peace. I know I need to just bring myself down, get on my knees and find the words to pray but then I'm going to be left in a puddle of tears and I guess I am afraid of what emotions that might reveal. I want control over how I feel and control is the very thing that I can't have right now. I feel as though I put on the appearance of calm but underneath it all is a raging storm, so much internal conflict, so much that I am afraid of. I feel like the weakest creature on earth who has to appear strong just to make it through each day. How pathetic is that? Really.


ashlieaxandike said...

Having been through something sort of like what you are doing, I know what I'm talking about when I say that you are strong. It doesn't feel like it. and even though you might thing about running away every day, and even though you might wonder if it's would be easier if he just died(or maybe that was just me)-all these things don't mean you aren't strong. You are doing this. All you can do is push through each day. You will make it out.