Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Long time no post!

Well, I guess it is time to update my blog! I have been putting it off because I felt like I needed to catch up but honestly, that just won't happen. We have been to Disneyland and St. George, we are having a baby boy in 8 wks, we have had dance competitions, Jack started the nursing program, had to drop some classes and now is starting a new paid cohort group through the U at SLCC. Things are crazy.

Anyway, what I wanted to post about today. I am having a rough week. Last year on Mother's Day (which was on May 13, 2007 - exactly a year ago today), I had a secret. I was having a baby that was due on New Years Day 2008. I planned on telling my mom the next day when she went with me for an ultrasound. I was 7 wks. Mother's Day last year was the last day of peace I had with that pregnancy because I believed that everything was fine. Turned out that it wasn't. A year ago tomorrow, I found out that my baby had a fatal defect and was going to die, either during the first trimester or, if he/she made it past that point, within the first few hours of life. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Having a little one growing inside of me right now takes away the sting a little bit but it is still difficult to look back. The 4 wks of wondering whether or not my baby was going to be in the 5% who might make it to birth was beyond painful. I really hope that once all these year milestones pass, that things won't be as painful and that every year it will get easier. That is my hope anyway. But I will always wonder where that little one is now, whether it will be mine in the next life or not. All I have is hope...


Sandy said...

I love you sweetie! I just wanted to tell you that your little one is up there playing with my Isabelle! Call me this week so we can catch up! And play with the layout of your blog!! I am so happy you are back on the blog wagon! I missed you!

Sandy said...

Ok, It's me again!!! I like the new background! It looks great!!!
Talk to you soon!!!