Frustration

I got to go out with some amazing women tonight. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and had good food and good conversation. It was fun. I enjoyed it. But there was this underlying feeling of just not fitting in. Anywhere. I don't fit in the conversations about plans. I can't make plans right now. I worry that I am a drag. That I bring everyone down. I miss the days when I could go out with friends and make people laugh, when I didn't feel like I had to try SO HARD to just feel like I had anything to offer to anyone. No one wants to be around the person who is like me right now. I don't want to be around me right now. It's like I have all these emotions swirling around under the surface that are taunting me. I can't seem to figure out how to even be in touch with myself let alone anyone else. I feel like the person who came late to the movie and therefore doesn't know how to catch up on the story.

I am tired already of feeling like the one who needs people, desperately needs people. I try to open up and be honest. I try to allow myself to be vulnerable but then because of so many past hurts, I worry that I made a mistake and then I don't know where to turn to find any sort of peace. I know I need to just bring myself down, get on my knees and find the words to pray but then I'm going to be left in a puddle of tears and I guess I am afraid of what emotions that might reveal. I want control over how I feel and control is the very thing that I can't have right now. I feel as though I put on the appearance of calm but underneath it all is a raging storm, so much internal conflict, so much that I am afraid of. I feel like the weakest creature on earth who has to appear strong just to make it through each day. How pathetic is that? Really.