Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Long time no post!

Well, I guess it is time to update my blog! I have been putting it off because I felt like I needed to catch up but honestly, that just won't happen. We have been to Disneyland and St. George, we are having a baby boy in 8 wks, we have had dance competitions, Jack started the nursing program, had to drop some classes and now is starting a new paid cohort group through the U at SLCC. Things are crazy.

Anyway, what I wanted to post about today. I am having a rough week. Last year on Mother's Day (which was on May 13, 2007 - exactly a year ago today), I had a secret. I was having a baby that was due on New Years Day 2008. I planned on telling my mom the next day when she went with me for an ultrasound. I was 7 wks. Mother's Day last year was the last day of peace I had with that pregnancy because I believed that everything was fine. Turned out that it wasn't. A year ago tomorrow, I found out that my baby had a fatal defect and was going to die, either during the first trimester or, if he/she made it past that point, within the first few hours of life. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Having a little one growing inside of me right now takes away the sting a little bit but it is still difficult to look back. The 4 wks of wondering whether or not my baby was going to be in the 5% who might make it to birth was beyond painful. I really hope that once all these year milestones pass, that things won't be as painful and that every year it will get easier. That is my hope anyway. But I will always wonder where that little one is now, whether it will be mine in the next life or not. All I have is hope...